Not Hard to Figure

You would think that it would get harder to come up with an angle on The News, what with eleventy thousand Networks and Websites, or maybe its just that I haven't been able to find the explanation for President Barrys' Afghanistan Surge-o-Rama anywhere that satisfies my particular World View. Or maybe I haven't looked hard enough.

Or maybe it's because my riff is not based on a World View, but on the nature of ambition, a motive based on that ambition, and the secret that every Politician tries to keep from the Electorate.

That secret is that they are politicians. Not Public servants, or Statesmen/women, or Defenders of the Flame. They're Politicians. It's the only lawful profession, other than stripper, that will never be admitted to by those who practice it.

Strippers always refer to themselves as dancers. But even they won't use stripper as an epithet when referring to their enemies. Yet when politicians want to insult the opposition, what do they call them? Politicians. What do they accuse them of "playing"? Politics. They insult them by calling them politicians, which is what they are, what they both are. They ask for your vote by claiming not to be "carreer politicians. "

This all explains the higher poll numbers for strippers than for politicians.

Now that I have revealed the real profession of our president, let us remember what a politicians' first job is. It is to get elected. Or re-elected. Before the policies and the State Dinners, and the Dog and the Helicopter, comes the election and the strategy for its' success.

Barrys' team has shown an aptitude for election success in the past. It was its' reason for being. Why should its' motive change now? That includes A-Stan.

Can you present a plausible alternative? Let's try.

1. Nation Building in Afghanistan. A pile of rock, ruled in increments of a few thousand square miles for millennia by tribes with no history for building any cohesive organizations other than the ones used to repel outside invaders. Barry knows this history as well as I. That can't be it.

2. Resource Plunder. (See Halliburton/Iraq.) No Oil in A-Stan- just Poppies for Heroin, and we say we want to eradicate that. And the CIA already established the pipeline from Southeast Asia thirty years ago, their reward from Viet Nam. (And Barry said their were no similarities.) Hashish? Afghanny was great, but Europe smokes it all up and none of it has gotten over here for twenty years, take it from one who knows. So that can't be it.
PS: I Love Amsterdam!

3. Oh the terrorism- the 9-11 thing. That smoking gun of a twenty second film of some guys on monkey bars, reputed to be shot in Afghanistan. Because to make a bomb, and to plan an attack, you need to all be in the same country at the same time so you can be caught more easily. And be good on the monkey bars.

Like those guys who planned 9-11 in Ramada Inns and Titty Bars and over the Internet and on cel phones from Germany and Palm Beach. The guys we now get to kill on grainy TV by unmanned drones controlled by Art of War Grads from another part of Florida.

Or the guys arrested in hotel rooms by European Interpol types who all cooperate with each other and the CIA to trace them 21st century style, with technology and paid informants. The agents of governments who don't want to help us "on the ground" in you-know-where. Terrorists are criminals and criminals are caught be clever police, not by Armies.
Who was the last terrorist caught by a tank? So that's not it either.

4. That we give a shit about broke ass Third Worlders who, without our help, would fall under the tyranical rule of woman hating fundimentalist power freaks.
See Somalia, Myanmar, Saudi Arabia, and Mississippi. Check.

Afghanistan will get back to being exactly what it was going to be before we got there, right after we leave. We all know that and we don't care.

Just like we, with the Medias' help, have already forgotten about Iraq. Remember Iraq? Do people still get blown up over there on their way to the store? Is the Government stable? Do Sunnis and Shia still control their own neighborhoods and towns and provinces and no one goes into the "other place" without getting killed?
Remember when it was important to care about that shit? It was just six months ago.

Now that it's not on the Front Page, we don't .

Barry knows all this too. I always give politicians the benefit of the doubt regarding their grasp of the situation. It makes them look so much worse when they feed us some other line of horseshit.

He knows that as soon as we leave Afghanistan and replace its' space on the Front Page with something else, all is forgotten. We just replaced Iraq with Afghanistan, just like Cheyney replaced Afghanistan with Iraq seven years ago.

So why don't we leave now? And why is the withdrawal date July, 2011? Think hard, you'll get it. Think about what Barry does for a living.

On a wall, in a room we never see, is a Pie Chart with Three Slices. One Slice is labeled, "The people who will never vote for you, no matter what you do." The folks who made the Chart never mention this Slice

Another Slice is labeled" People who will always vote for you, no matter what you do " They never discuss this slice either.

And then there's the Slice in the Middle.That one is labled,"The Slice you need Fifty-One Percent of."

Millions of dollars go to pay people and to create slogans and ads and tactics and lies to get that Fifty-One.
The calculations have been made. That Fifty-One Percent of the Middle, it has been determined, can be persuaded by the Republicans that if Barry pulls out now, he will be a Chardonnay Drinkin' Frenchified Coward of Kerry-like proportions, and not fit to be at the helm of a big powerful country with the job of protecting us and leading the Free World, blah, blah, blah.

It's bullshit as old as the Hills, but there are people who still believe it. They believe Infomercials too.

So Barry will get on his Horse and ride the Range, for Two Years. The Generals will be told to keep casualties to a minimum, and Barry will greet the returning Soldiers.

Then, in July 2011, he will announce Great Advances in whatever Standards of Success his people have already figured they could achieve, and then leave.

Afghanistan will return to what it was, and we'll forget about it, because the Media will stop covering it. Their attention will turn Elsewhere. To what, you may ask? Thanks for asking. I will tell you.

The Summer of 2011 is when the 2012 Presidential Campaign begins. Fresh from declared success in Afghanistan, and fresh from an economy which will have recovered enough for us to forget how really good it used to be, Barry beats Mitt, or some hillbilly.

And you thought that speech was about a military campaign. Military campaign are militarys' job. Getting elected is Barrys' job. And he's good at it. I don't dislike him because I expected this.

The real idiots are the Michael Moores of the Left who didn't see this coming and now feel betrayed. But they'll all vote for Barry come 2012. Who they gonna get? Somebody cooler? Clooney already has a better job. Somebody whiter? Then they're racists. Somebody blacker? Then they'll lose. Barry was their perfect candidate. They could be hip, tolerant, and safe, all at the same time. Barry figured all this too.

Their childish naivete is the reason they'll never be in power. It's not a game for children.
When the Real Left grows some balls and spits in the eyes of those who call them Stalin, then they'll win, get Single Payer, and re-establish a 50% bracket for those who fucked our economy, took the bonuses and hid the money offshore. Barry don't play that. He played you.

Until then, they'll put their faith in Centrist, Corporate, angle-players like Barry, Bill, and Hill, and then feel used. Poor Babies. No revolution for you Michael, you backed a Politician.

Oh Well, I Guess I'll Write about Her Too-by Ed( No,it's not about you, Richard) Feldman

I feel dirty writing this, and not in a good way. But since everyone else seems to have already written about her, and since it's so easy, and since I haven't read the thoughts that I will share with you now (although I wouldn't be surprised if they had been written already), I guess, well, here goes. But my heart isn't in it. But I won't mention Her Name, and that will make me feel less like a Bandwagoneer.

Yes, Her, why is she popular at all? Is it because she's everything that Obama is not? She is that. She's a woman, she's white, she speaks without thinking, she lives without thinking, and she works the media like Carrie Prejean works her..... See, I told you that my heart wasn't in it. I didn't even try to come up with an amusing euphemism for clitoris.

To compare the Divine One with Miss "Jesus says my implants are okay-and so are my fingers and this zuchini" is already a tired metaphor. They both are famous for the way people get famous these days, which is confusing to those who remember the old way.

Not for excellence, but for getting on the fame merry-go-round through a series of embarassing failures, then not succumbing to the natural inclination to hide in the rec room til everyone forgets, but rather figuring out ways of not falling off. That is a talent in itself, albeit one that is practiced, for a shorter time periods, by the Fulbright Candidates who reveal their man-tits on the Jerry Springer Show.

So to get minutes over your fifteen, the outrageous ways one must continue to present oneself in order to keep the cameras from finding other subjects, may just reveal a Savant-ish talent in our Gemini-like former beauty queens.

Because if either of them suddenly started acting reasonable; if Miss California Pussy Fingers suddenly went on a Church Mission to teach less advantaged Third World Women to be proficient in activities that would keep their hands occupied during the extended periods of time the male villagers were out hunting game (and keep her away from the TMZ Paps), or if the Rogueish One were to lock herself away in a room and begin to read all those books and newspapers she once claimed knowledge of, long enough to emerge with the ability to anwer a question involving a fact, well then, where would the entertainment value be in that?

No, our culture has had it with fame having anything to do with excellence or achievement or hard work. We like our celebrities to be train wrecks. It's so much more interesting, you know, ugly but you can't turn away. We like 'em big and stupid. Better for our self esteem too.

Look on the positive side. The fact that clown shows like these occupy our news time signals a return to pre-911 America, when it was all about OJ, Oval Office BJ's and Shark Attacks. Remember? We all had money then.

Even the attacks on Obama for bowing, or not bowing, or being a Commie, or a Nazi, have the elements of farce that we haven't experienced since a they tried to impeach that guy because of a dry cleaning issue.

Until someone takes a shot at him, of course. Anybody got the over-under on that one?

Fame is some weird shit. And staying famous is so much easier when you don't have to waste valuable time practicing a talent or craft or reading and studying. Then all you have to do is to work on staying famous.

Paris Hilton is more famous than any Hollywood Actress, and the only skill I've seen her demonstrate would only rate a B+ on my scale. Tilt your head back Hon, you'll be able to go deeper.

It may be against the law to shout "Fire" in a crowded theater, but it sure gets everyone to notice you. Just ask me.

But there is a substantive similarity between the Killa from Wasilla and Miss Born-Again-Porn-Again.

They occupy a position vital to the continued self delusion that is a cornerstone of the ethos of "social conservatives". The reason for that name is because the Media that coined it did not want to alienate potential customers by calling them what I do.

White Trash. Bohunks. Munyaks. Sky Jockeys. Renaissance Deniers. The folks who think the End is Near because the Democrats and Jews and Queers and Niggers have all gotten together to loose the plagues of Sodom on the Greatest Country the Giant White Man who lives in the Sky ever Created.

All the Evils of Society have been created by the Liberalism that made beating your kids illegal and all the other Commie-Based Nanny-State interferences that killed John Wayne and replaced him with Ryan Seacrest.

Yet all the while they Lament the moral slide to Perdition that they assume started with Alan Alda, this same John Hagy-watching demographic; squeezes out bastard children by the carload, produces all of our nations' methamphetimine, supplies every single actress in Porn (have you ever listened to them talk?-They ain't from the Upper West Side) and takes care of those in need of help in the States they control with the indifference that would drown them in the Tears of Their Savior, if He existed.

Denial is Mothers Milk to these Good People. Without it, they would have to admit what us Godless Liberals take for granted. That what you call Sin is fun, that we like it and it won't doom us. That it predates you belief system, and only became a problem when some power trippers needed a reason to market that system to help them get a handle on controlling some of your ancestors, the gullible of yore, and make a few bucks.

It worked, just like Ring-Around-the-Collar started getting people to pay for extra for Wisk, a powdered detergent mixed with the magic ingredient of water.

It takes someone with Balls of Iron to sell nonsense like that. It takes someone who can deny the truth when everyone can see it on the JumboTron.

It takes the kind of person who can accuse Her opponents of moral laxity while Her knocked-up, unmarried, teenage daughter stands right behind her.

It takes someone who vetted her future son-in-law with the same diligence as She was and now blames him for making a living, just as She is, off the national Joke you both played on all of us. At least he didn't use a body double for his cash-in. I know, writing the book yourself would have taken away important "twitter-time".

It takes someone with "social conservative" version of Denial that the Neo-Cons use when extolling that fact that there hasn't been an attack since, uh, you know, uh, 2001.
Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the Play?

The best defense is more of everything that got you famous already. Meaning is meaningless when the lights are all on you. Work it Girl!

Lil' Eddie

More wacky stuff like this on Morning Feed-Monday thru Friday on Gtownradio.com-on your Computer Machine

King of all .........

I hope you're all listening to my Innertube Radio program on Gtownradio.com
Morning Feed, only two weeks old, is already causing a stir. A prominent Philadelphia weekly newspaper is doing an article about me, and the program, and all my other interests.

I have begun to have guests come on the air and that is going quite well. Perhaps some prominent Hillers would be interested in joining me.

For the first time since his demise, I have thought of Tom Fleming. I think he would have
considered a guest shot on Morning Feed. It would have appealed to his playful side. I think he would have enjoyed himself and we would have had an interesting time discussing both non-controversial topics.... and the other kind. We could have discussed his racing career.

I once promised Tom that I would piss on his grave. He got a kick out of that. I spent a little time trying to find his present whereabouts in order to fulfill my pledge, without success, but, as time passes, so does my promise. Tom was wrong about a lot of things, but I'm gonna give him a pass. His most virulent attacks against me were so sudden and random, in between periods of affability, that I'm gonna chalk them up to the confusion and the sense of powerlessness that comes from the inability to master situations, both physical and intellectual, that he once could dominate.

I am often asked, "Why Chestnut Hill?". The easy answer is, write what you know. The secondary one-journalist division-is, outsiders can act as surrogates for an previously uninformed general public.

Fish out of water viewpoints are easy. Ignorant optimism, followed by discovery, recognition, disgust, conflict, and resolution by the outsider author mirrors the journey his heretofore innocent reader takes.

But a sense of microcosmic recognition is also important in works such as this one. For, as I tell Hill Tales to folks who have no prior knowledge of the place, they respond in two ways.

They are incredulous that the sort of culture, based on Apartheid- racial, moral,and political-exists within a Liberal, Multicultural, Northern City.

They wonder how a handful, many from outside the neighborhood, and from outside the City, have taken control, without protest from an informed, local populous.

Some, without any economic incentives, are the most virulent in administering power over a neighborhood in which they do not live, or earn.

And then there's Snowden. In a country where Global Warming and its' causes are an accepted concept to all save the most ridiculous Palinistas, the Hill's most powerful citizen, and the known perpetrator of offenses locally, owes his fortune to the most damaging, Earth destroying, workerer ravaging industrial process ever devised.

When I tell the uninitiated of Snowdens' involvment in Strip Mining, and show them the statistics of coal disease and poverty in Mingo County West Virginia, where his operations lie, then show them his vacant Hill properties, his tax scams, and his racist, blackmailing signs on the sweet Avenue that he now controls through the election of his tenants, employees, friends and lackeys, these intelligent people shit in their pants.

In other communities this guy would be exposed, shunned, shut out, picketed. In the Hill, his possible arrival at functions is as anticipated and hoped for as a shaft of pure light emanating from Gods' Own Penis, piercing through the Clouds of Despair.

But through the incredulity of my rapt listeners and readers, is the sense of recognition that they have heard this all before, writ larger in the socio-economics practiced in Washington and elsewhere. Some people are for sale, and all it takes is a guy with a checkbook and a boner for them to ask, "which hole?"

So, a cloistered subculture, like the Sopranos or the Mormons, coupled with the dance of money, pressure, and privilage buying off the greedy, threatened, and socially disadvantaged, is a mix of mystery and familiarity that is highly entertaining.

I once asked Dottie Sheffield, amateur horticulturalist and recipient of Snowden Largesse, why she defended him so. She gave the mantra so often heard," He has done such wonderful restorations!" (Actually just a couple). I asked her if she had ever ridden on the Autobahn in Germany. I assumed the answer, just as I assumed the actual ethnic orgin of her familiy's last name.
"Yes I have, and it's wonderful" she replied.
"It was built by Hitler, you know", I reponded.
"Well, good for Hitler", said Dottie.
"Thanks Dottie, I'll quote you on that" I replied.
And now I have. It didn't happen in some basement in Posse Comitatus Country, or a clandestine cross burning, but right here in Chestnut Hill.

The stories that happen right under your nose are the ones that must be told-by you.

Ed (I'll be giving out Richards' address and phone number on the Air- if my lawyer says it's OK) Feldman

I Pity the Fool

Poor Greg Welsh. Poor Chestnut Hill Business Association. And Poor CHCA board. After years of throwing their weight around, pistol whipping their perceived enemies into submission, they finally have adversaries with enough pull and nerve and support to bitch slap them into their first defeat since we stopped them from firing Pete Mazzacarro.

As I have reported so often, you don't need much to beat this bunch, just a little nerve , and sometimes a lawyer. And in a response from Greg that anyone could have forseen, he cried "foul."

"It's a shame that the process that's been in place in Chestnut Hill for years.....has been usurped."

That's right Greg, because your Process, of Real Estate Insiders and Business Owners who have made the Hill into the Bank Ridden Mausoleum that it is, that fall all over themselves to get at the Teats of Snowden, only to find them barren and then ask for seconds, then attack the Local as "negative" for having the temerity to report that John Capoferri, one of their own inner circle, is a felon who cheated his friends and the Hill businesses out of hundreds of thousands, is crumbling.

Your Process allows all of this to happen, then tries to silence those who report it.

Your Process serves only those involved in its perpetuation for their personal enrichment.

Your Process ignores the Near Neighbors.

Your process ignores Democracy.

Now Democracy kicks your ass and you cry foul.

Your use of the word "usurp" is so "Hilly" I wonder if if it's actually on loan from one of your ethnic betters.

It was so much easier when all you had to do was get some Tool to shout "point of order" at a meeting when someone objected to your Process.

It was so much easier when all you had to do was send a thug to the Local to frighten the Help

Now you have a Rival. The Chestnut Hill Residents Association. They can play your game and Win. They have Allies and Pull and Connections. And Lawyers.

It won on Zoga, and now people are seeking its help in the Chestnut Hill College fight, rather than the CHCA's. That big sign you see coming into view reads " CHCA=IRRELEVANT"

Snowden picking you as his Front man was a Mistake. You're not Hilly enough. The Jew part doesn't help.

Walter Sullivan is seen as a Buffoon, and his wife as an embarrassment of Colossal Proportion.

The CHCA has always done its dirty work behind closed doors.

But now, with you and Kristina, two very un-Hill like personalities as its public face, more and more formerly disinterested people are beginning to become repelled. Kind of like with me only different.

I once wrote that your personality was a type of which I was quite familiar. The pride in the ability to lie with a straight face. The egotistical combination of sly street kid and and savy businessman, the Sharpie, the Tony Curtis character in "Sweet Smell of Success," always able to fool the "straights."

But now you're getting squeezed from two ends. Snowden is your JJ Hunsecker, the Burt Lancaster character from that film. He can buy and sell you, sees you as his tool and you both know it. You think you can play him, but with the differences in your respective holdings, whatever you can get from him is beneath his notice, and therefore your victory over the Shagetz negates any meaningful kvelling.

And your act is just too Showy for the Protestants. And as for trying to fight the Democratic Machine; well, be my guest.

The kicker is this. Greg, I think you're dirty. And all this attention is gonna bring an awful lot of light to bear on your other operations, in all your other pies, in all the other neighborhoods in which you operate. Remember bragging about it all to me before you started lying to me about your connection to Snowden and we stopped talking?

Two years before Cappoferri went down, I exposed him. He was a Snowden lackey too. He's gonna get the big Nickel, at least.

Chip Butler, same thing; A.) Snowden Bitch, B.) Feldman exposure, C.) Jailbird

The Moyl can't save you. I'm on the case.

Anyway, come on my Gtownradio.com program, 9-10 AM, Mon-Fri and we'll be like Jack Benny and Fred Allen. Feuds are good for ratings. You can even sponsor the show. Any pub is good pub. And the station is right down from Takers. Remember? I know you do.

Ed (Morning Feed) Feldman

PS.- Join the Chestnut Hill Residents Association. Don't Worry, I'm not in it and I don't come to meetings.

On the Air ....

ED FELDMAN IS ON THE AIR... NO. HE'S ON THE INTERNET!

Gtownradio.com Monday through Friday from 9:00 to 10:00 AM

Yes, kids-I now have a daily platform from which to expose all that I see as evil and hilarious and corrupt and stupid and obvious. Can you all guess who and what I'm talking about?

Monday thru Friday from 9:00 to 10:00 AM, Ed Feldman, Furniture Guy, College Teacher, Writer, and Scourge of Idiots and Assholes Everywhere, will be heard over computers, I-Phones and other modern-day electronic Pacifiers on Gtownradio.com.

Now all the World can listen as I talk of Chestnut Hill and its cast of Wacky Characters. Richard, Dina, Greg, Walter and his Humunculus will be prominently displayed to the ears of everyone around the entire World with an internet connection. I'm gonna make you people famouser than ever.

Though links to my Furniture Guy Website, You-tube and Facebook, as well as my network of fans around the Globe, the Hill will be as well known as Lake Woebegone, or Mayberry, or Auchwitz.

Of course the Hill will be just one subject for examination during my program, which delves into all my areas of expertise and opinion. Many Hillers may enjoy and even understand some of these other topics.

Truth be told, the Hill story will have to be unfolded gradually to those listeners unfamiliar with our shared history.

But once everyone been been brought up to speed, the fun will begin.

To those of you who are prepared to lament, let paint a rosy picture.

My intention is to help Hill businesses and the Hill itself by publicizing their unique qualities.

Imagine new visitors to your establishments, asking questions like, "Is this where that Richard Snowden put up his Signs? He makes his money off Coal Mining in West Virginia and spends it on ...What?"

Or "Is this the office where Peggy Hendry took credit for giving a Black Man a vacation day on Martin Luther Kings' Birthday?"

Or "This is the Bank with the twenty foot photograph of a Restricted Country Club, right?"

I am trying to help here. I may develop a Feldman-Style Tour of the Hill, like they do in North Jersey for the Sopranos. It could help.

And serving Democracy is all part of it. Now, when I get wind of the latest CHCA scheme, I can announce it on my radio show, and when I tell people to come to the board meeting, who knows how many will show and from how far?

Now to all those who think this will be one-sided, think again. I personally extend invitations to all those who I have mentioned, and to any others who feel the need to represent the Hill in any way to come on the program with me. The discussion will be cordial, the questions pointed, and the room small. So if you have the time, and the courage of what you probably still call your convictions, go to the Gtownradio.com website and I will schedule a day for you.

Wednesday will probably be reserved for local news, after the papers have gone to press.

So Richard, call your Lawyers, it looks as if they now have a new assignment, listening to me every day. Walter, you can daydream about hitting me over a new medium. Greg, I'll be doing restaurant reviews.

The show is called Morning Feed. Gtownradio.com Monday thru Friday 9-10 AM, I play music too!

I'll start posting the flyers soon. Then I'll take pictures of who rips them down.

I told you I was in this for the long haul.

Ed (talk about your Morning Zoo) Feldman

Changes to Parking Rules and a Request to the Parking Foundation

Since watching my car float away during Hurricane Katrina my wife and I had become hardcore supporters of public transportation. While she worked up in North Wales the 94 and the 134 got her to and from with limited issue (okay, there was the time the bus made the wrong turn on 309 and went 20 miles in the wrong direction getting her home at midnight instead of 7 pm as they had to wait for an escort to help them get back on track). We became fans of Philly CarShare until they eliminated the "no charge" limited use monthly plan. Then we moved to 19119 and I learned to despise the 23. Five times an hour is a big fat lie.

In recent months it didn't matter if I got to the bus stop at 8:45am or 8:10am. I would be waiting until almost 9am for my ride to work. Growing tired of this I looked at my options and got a scooter. A moped. A little 50cc device that would send me up and down the Avenue at speeds that sometimes could reach 45mph. One of the nicest parts about this is that it is legally considered a bicycle. I could park on sidewalk (as long as I was in line with the buildings) and didn't have to fear ticket or towing.

This all changed last week. I exit a business I had purchased a few things at to discover a parking ticket on my ride. $76?! Jeez. I check with the parking "code" and it states that I shouldn't have had any trouble or tickets with my vehicle. I speak to the PPA (oh what wonderful people) and they inform me that the laws have changed, but no tickets were to be written until Nov 4th 2009.

Scooters will no longer be permitted to park on sidewalks in Philadelphia (NYC just began these regulations as well) and must be limited to the designated Scooter/Motorcycle parking spaces alloted by the city. The representative of the Philadelphia Parking Authority I spoke with yesterday informed me that parking a scooter in car spaces could, in some instances, result in a ticket - and fines would be higher for bikes at an expired car parking meter than an expired scooter/motorbike meter. She suggested I use the scooter parking lots on Market Street until I informed her I was looking to park in the Chestnut Hill section (there are already scooter spaces in Mt. Airy).

So I ask the Parking Foundation to please add these spots. There are 11 registered scooter owners in 19118 and more in 19119 and 19038 (we have quite an online community and know about each other). We are already considered progressive as our vehicles cause less pollution, get better gas mileage (I get 90 miles per gallon) and descrease traffic congestion. We just need a place to park.

Avenue of Broken Dreams

by Ed (Broadway Baby) Feldman

Fall at its' most iridescent. Some things change, while some stay the same. The foliage falls (don't say it) into the first category, with an anti-Al Gore chill making trees run up their yellow surrender flags. The Hill Fall for the Arts Festival falls into the latter, with a sameness so comforting to the Culturally Frozen and so stifling for anyone with a functioning memory of so many identical events.

But amidst the relentless sameness of the usual suspects' third rate trinkets and Kettle-Corn-Funnel-Cake-Carbo-Quaaludes, how many noticed that rarity of rarities, a New Hill Commercial Tenant?

Yes, in the old Express property, the shop girl's synthetic uniform supply company, now dwells a much more flamboyant purveyor of reasonably priced apparel.

Halloween Adventure, where all the Hillers with secret Super Hero and Fantasy Fetishes can now shop and, later, don their alter ego outfits in private. After the economics lesson, I'll start to match the local celebs with their costumes for Halloween, or Whatever. And you kids can all join in too!

Halloween Adventure is a store whose annual existence begins a few weeks before its eponymous Holiday, and ends, at the latest, after New Years, the better to supply Santa and Sexy Elf costumes during that time of year when the number of drunken revels increases the amount of casual sex with provocatively dressed co-workers and acquaintances by a factor of nine.

The store then vacates its location until the following September, with rare exceptions, like neighborhoods with high numbers of budget-minded tranvestites, with tastes for shoddy Chinese Exports. (That Rarest of Demographics).

Most every H. A. functions as Commercial-Squatter, Rent-Paying Bottom Feeders, who scavenge temporarily in vacant properties that have no hope of a viable, long term tenant.

Keep your eyes open kids. Where have you seen H.A.'s? Half vacant Strip Malls, places where the Plant Shut Down, near where the guys stand and wait for someone to pick them up for yard work.

H.A.'s aren't signs that the Buzzards are circling, they ARE the buzzards.

Remember L'il Richie Snowden's Signs? The ones that advertised his vacant proprties as available for "Check Cashing, Discount Electronics, and Nail Salons? He meant those signs as a Racist Scare Tactic to punish the Hill for its' non-fealty to his Authority, its' questioning of his Grand Plans, and its' occasional criticism of his Middle Aged Tantrums and Tax Schemes.

But even I didn't think he meant to rent to tenants who would, in his words, "turn Chestnut Hill into a Ghetto." After all, why would His Whiteness live in the most pigmentally-challenged neighborhood in Philadelphia if he wanted to hear car radios blaring something with a bass line?

But even without any real attempt at rental eugenics by Strip Mine Dick, the first line has just been crossed.

All those years of his self-enforced vacancies, of renting to banks but not restaurants, of antique and gimcrack stores that depended on visitors for survival, while commodities for residents were bought elsewhere.

The Panic by the weak Hill Biz crowd that followed Dirty-Coal Boy to board autonomy should have told you something. If they weren't desparate, their real opinions of him would have kept them home, and busy behind their counters. Now you can see the daily, physical manifestation in all its Dracula-like Horror: Halloween Adventure = Depressed Area.

All the Kettle Korn in the World won't help.

'Til next time, send in your suggestions for Costume Selection for Your Favorite Hillers. I'll have mine.

And More Fall Festival Follies with Ed, Rob Remus, Sanjiv Jain, the Hillers who Shun. Like the Amish but with Cable.

Job Search/What Might Have Been

PART ONE

Hey kids, I just read Foghorn Sullivan's latest vomit-on -the -page in the Local, about riding his scooter to the U.N. if it had been built in Andorra, a bet on par with his wife being able to ride his Presidency to any job involving interaction with Humans.

I would have sold my mother to Hamas to see Walter trying to putt-putt his two hundred and eighty five pounds of horseshit up Bells Mills Road. Hey Walter, dream big, if you can repeal Newtons' Laws, maybe you can get Kristina out of the house.

We must all be thankful for the U.N. opting for the East Side. For if Walter had ever brought the Beast with him to hear the General Assembly, she might have replicated what the board let her spew at the meeting last week. And we'd now be living in a post-World War III landscape of styrofoam and cockroaches, which means Kristina would still be alive.

I also loved his congratulating Chestnut Grill/Snowden Bitch Greg Welsh's failure at getting a Civil War Museum built locally, another safe bet. Its' patrons would have fit the Demographic of the Regular Hill Shopper perfectly, both groups having been dead for twenty five years.

Is Greg sliding you some free Made-in-Omaha Mozzerella sticks for free, at least? Maybe he could hire Kristina as a Maitre D'esse for his Applebees'-on -the -Avenue. It would be like when Rickles worked the lounge at the Sahara, only with less charm, and more hair.

I like helping the Handicapped as much as the next guy (unless the next guy lives in the Hill), but Pete's place in Heaven is already assured for having put up with Asshole Brigade for so long. He doesn't have to lobby further by letting Walters' seepage use up valuable wood pulp.

PART TWO

I have found another reason that Walter was so simpatico with settling the Rob Remus non-lawsuit. It seems Walter is experienced in collecting money from his neighbors in this manner. He sued the Venetian Club and collected a generous five figure settlement. I'll get the exact dollar amount and the details soon.

Walter, that was your last chance-a new life with your winnings, the flat, tropical terrain of the Gulf Coast or Sunny Scottsdale for your Scooter, and an escape from the relentless shrieking.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

The settlement would have been your condo down payment. And then the Social security would have kicked in. You could have chased a few ambulances. Down there, there's one going by every few seconds. Old folks would have hired you off your voice and physical stature alone. Your expertise wouldn't even have mattered. You could have fooled everyone.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

In those climes, you could have started over. Your Manner and that Voice would have made you an Exotique-Sexy Widows, Jewesses, Southern Belles, would have fallen under the spell of your melifluous tones. Spring Training Games, Early Bird Specials, the Moonlight. Easy Pickins', my Friend

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

Now you're stuck in the Stenton Cell Block with someone so embarrassing that the people who put you on the Throne want the ground to open up and swallow her every time she pries herself out of the chair to speak.

Even Tolis Vardakis, one of the most reliable tools of the CHCA Power Freak Coalition, called "Point of Order" at her, and he's on her side. It was the first time the Ex-Puppet ever did that to an Ally.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been gone.

My Guess is that someone has already spoken to you about Her. But it won't help. She's Unstoppable. I guess the folks who wrote about my antics in the Local will be Publicly Silent on this matter.

You had your Chance, Walter. It's too late for you now. But I can help. You can take it out on me. I enjoy it.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

A Yom Kippur Statement and Prayer

As spokesman for the Chosen People, I hereby disavow any affiliation, any shared values, any mutual heritage, any common blood or DNA, with the shrieking lump of anthropomorphic tissue known as Kristina Sullivan.

The reason for this statement is threefold. The first is obvious. Any linkage between the aforementioned Creature brings shame on all of us.

Globally, each time the Thing speaks, the Earths' rotation is altered slightly by so many bodies, all over the Planet, spinning in so many graves, that the counter-gyroscopic effect cannot be mitigated for hours. This can only exacerbate the Climate Change Crisis.

More personally, by this statement I hope to guarantee that, if Political winds change, and the Cattle Cars return for us, there is no chance that I would ever have to experience the horror of sharing life in a Concentration Camp with the aforementioned Beast. That would make my stay unendurable.

Please God, let those who wish harm on us not witness her, for if they do, it shall surely bring us misery and pain. Amen.

Jewstradamus Nails Another One

The repeated dull thump. The unremitting pain, that could be stopped, if only the attempt were made to confront the offense. If only those who might do so, would do so. But the compact of silence is so strongly inbred that breaking it would deny the strength of the tradition that made us what we are.

We discuss the issues of the world in the abstract, and so many of us come down on the side of justice, of the common good. But when confronted with it in our lives, under circumstances that we could address and rectify, we fall silent. This inaction explains everything; multiplied by millions, it creates the world we lament, but that we create, by the inaction of our own lives.
We speak out against the evil on pages, in newspapers, but when we have the opportunity to look into its' eyes and say "no", we shrink.

"What can we do?" We hear it every day. A letter to the President? A shout from the rooftop? "I'm only one person."

Some buy a Prius to combat global warming. Some contribute to the ACLU to support the first Amendment.

But the triumph of greed, of arrogance, of disregard for human rights and human life must be met every time you see it, only then do we have a chance.

That is why I do what I do. It might just be one twig in the wheel of evils' progress, but what if were a branch? What if you helped? What would you lose? And what would you gain?
If you knew that the Government was trying to tell your Newspaper what to write, and who it could print, what would you think? If Cheyney had hung around the Washington Post, instead of the CIA, and exerted his influence there, what would you think? More importantly, what would you do?

What could you do? You couldn't do much, after all, you're here, and they're there. But what if you could walk in on your way home from shopping and, without confronting security or even taking an elevator, give support?

What if you could stroll into the Senate and confront someone who was doing wrong, and stop them? What if you had the right to?

What if you knew where the person who sells land for strip mining lived? What if you knew where that man went on the third Thursday of every month? What if you knew where he would be , what he owned, and what he was trying to use his money for?

What if you could tell him what you think of him to his face?

On September first, on these pages, I wrote that those "reasonable" people who voted for Rob Remus' payment for a threatened lawsuit against the Local had not thought their actions out. They had told me they did it to put the past behind them. I told them that it would only make things worse.

Those same people were on the losing side of a CHCA board vote to put Rob on the CHCA Budget and Finnance Committee, that oversees the Local's budget. The reasonable people spoke out against his appointment, stating the obvious, that anyone who had tried to obtain money from the Local under such circumstances would not be a proper steward for its' future finances.
These people were naive, and were played by the board. Their sense of fair play was a detriment in confrontations with those who do not share their values. They have been taught in the abstract by others who have no experience with the types of people they now confront.

I told them that they blew it when they gave Rob the money. Their "reasonableness," their desire to make a new beginning for the board was interpreted as nothing more or less than weakness, and as license by those who wish to do what we have now all seen them do.

It took three weeks to prove my theory. Their "new beginning" will bring about the end.
The only time that they were stopped is when thirty people in the audience refused to let them fire the editor of the Local. They never tried that again. Their tactics have changed, and I have predicted each one. Starve the Local, and deprive them of any staff that might write anything they don't want you to know about. Then all that would be left to print is what they are fed by those who have created a newspaper of, by, and for the CHCA board and businesses that now control the board.

A partnership of Richard Snowden, small time Hill businesses, and the leftover old, lonely board members have done this.

But they were helped by those who, while telling me they thought Rob Remus and Dina Hitchcock were psychopaths, voted to give him money.

What kind of people give money to psychopaths? And what kind of people confront wrong when they see it when they share a room with it? And what kind of people do nothing?